Saturday 7 December 2019

Why I nearly gave up blogging....


It has been around 10 months since I last posted a blog, and for a long time I was adamant that I never would again. To say this last year was difficult would be an understatement, and one that I definitely needed time to concentrate and process.


The last few months have been the most horrendous and difficult time that I think I will ever go through. For those that are unaware, on 5th March 2019 at approximately 10AM my beautiful and wonderful mother passed away from cancer at the age of 58. Just 11 days before her birthday, and 20 days before mine. Her cancer battle was a short, but extremely difficult one. 


After becoming unwell towards the end of 2018, she was diagnosed with cancer just a few days before Christmas and within 10 weeks she was gone. She had been poorly for a few weeks but was deteriorating by the day and in my heart, I knew that it would be the last Christmas we would ever have with her. And It was extremely difficult to put on a brave face. How could we go from Christmas shopping a few weeks before, to finding out she had terminal cancer? My whole world had turned upside down.


When Mum was diagnosed, I found myself thrown into a constant state of worry, exhaustion and anxiety. My relationship with her had totally changed, while I tried to keep things as normal as possible, her level of care completely changed, and I found that our roles had become reversed. After all the years Mum had cared for me, I found myself becoming the carer along with my father.


Everything seemed to be happening so quick. By New Years, she was rushed back into hospital and we very nearly lost her. Thankfully she managed to pull through, however we knew that we had a long road ahead. 

Suddenly, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, and the new responsibilities I now had. This woman who cared for me during my darkest days, who carried me down the stairs when I couldn’t walk. The woman who would push me in my wheelchair when I needed to go out. The woman who would pick me up when I was down. The woman who dried my tears and told me that everything would always work out, suddenly needed all that from me. And although I never showed it, it absolutely terrified me. How would I cope without the woman who has been my rock for the last 22 years of my life?




Alongside the stress of caring and dealing with the fact that my mother is terminally ill, I also had to deal with the normal stresses that come with having EDS, maintain my university grades and work! I can honestly say that within just a few short weeks, I found myself totally burnout and drained. And although we knew Mum was terminally ill, and we never really expected her to go as quick as she did. 

At that time, her battle felt like a lifetime and I found myself feeling a mixture of emotions- relief that she was no longer in any more pain, but a profound yearning for her to just give me a hug. 

Here I am, 9 months later, and while the grief and emotions aren't as raw as they were, I am still going through so many emotional experiences that I never thought I would at this stage. It has taken me until now to be able to fully address the trauma and upset that has happened over the last few months, as it is surprising how grief can affect you. I had lost so much confidence and have missed out on so many opportunities because of my grief. And it has taken until now to realise, that my mother wouldn’t want this for me. She would want me to be grabbing life by the hands and embracing every opportunity like I had done before. And I will do, again.

For something that is so common as death, there is very little support or information about the subject of grief. People suddenly expect you to get back to normal very quickly, to try to move on and repress how you feel as it isn’t "appropriate". It doesn’t seem right to me that, in 2019, we still have the attitude that we must "move on" and as such, I definitely plan to do more blog posts and hopefully some volunteer work to address the stigma of grief and death.


"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear" C.S Lewis


SHARE:

Friday 15 February 2019

Things they don't tell you when you have a chronic illness



I always pride myself for being "real" with my blog and in real life also. I try to be positive and always achieve the best I can with my disability, but there are definitely times where I struggle. Then I started to think of all the things they don't tell you when you have a chronic illness.
One of the most scary things about having a chronic illness can definitely be the unpredictability – you never know what each day may bring. And this can be even more scary when you have a condition like EDS. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is connective tissue disease, causing problems with the muscles and ligaments surrounding the joints.... But there is so much more to it than that.
The abundance of symptoms and fear it causes can be overwhelming, and almost feel like it is never ending, and that is just the physical symptoms. But no one ever tells you about the emotional and practical sides of having a chronic illness.
Like the fear of not being taken seriously by a medical professional who isn’t educated in EDS. The fear of being dismissed, or not believed or undermined. The anxiety of going to your next doctors appointment because all the times you have gone before you have left in a distressed state, crying and feeling so helpless. And the dread of what will happen next time.


 Like the fear of not knowing how you will be from one day to the next. The thought of knowing that you will never be the "healthy" person that you once were. The look of concern on your loved ones faces and the fear in their eyes as they can see you deteriorate each day. The fear of unknown, yet knowing that you will never be better than you are in this moment. Being scared of the future, not knowing whether things will get better- Will I have a career? A family? Friends? Will I walk again? Will I ever be pain free again?
Then there is the depression. A condition so painful that it feels almost incurable, and just as bad as the chronic illness itself. Grieving for the "old" you, for all the things you could do but now can only dream of. Grieving for the loss of friends and family that don't believe you, or think you are exaggerating, or are simply to busy to deal with someone who "can't go out." Being in a constant state of surviving not thriving. The frustration and shame of not being able to do the things you could do so easily, and the guilt of being a burden to others. 

Being chronically ill definitely changes you. It changes your outlook, your goals and perspective on life. Sometimes this can be a good thing for some people, and it can open up a whole world that you didn't even know was there. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days where I wish I was "normal" but then, I wouldn't have the friends that I do, the career, the opportunities, and I certainly would not have got to meet the people I have met.
Yes, there are dark times living with a chronic illness. But for all the bad times, there are many more good times ahead. You just have to find them in each day.
-Sophie
xx
SHARE:

Saturday 19 January 2019

10 things this last year has taught me

So I have been neglecting my blogging, and sadly my charity work lately due to a family illness. But this has had me reflecting a lot on what 2018 has taught me, but more importantly, what I have gain from it. So here are 8 things I have learnt from 2018!

1. There are just as many positives from life, as there are negatives. When I look back on this year, it has quite a tough one personally but thankfully I don't see 2018 as "the worst year." I still have so many positive and wonderful memories that I will cherish forever, which unfortunately been mixed in with some terrible circumstances.

2. Dealing with other peoples attitudes on disability can be a right pain! The most frustrating thing about dealing with an invisible illness is definitely peoples unwanted opinions. To look at me, you would think there is nothing wrong. Some days are good, some days are bad which is completely normal for someone with a fluctuating CHRONIC illness. Thankfully I have heard only a few ablest comments this year, but we still have a long way to go! 



3. There is more to life that studying and stress- Which seems quite ironic coming from someone who is training to be an accountant and studying a full time business degree!

4. Physiotherapy actual works. Since i've started specialist physiotherapy 2 months, which is looking at improving the strengths of my legs and my core, I can now see a small but noticeable improvement! Something which previous physio sessions have not been able to do.


5. Baking can literally fix almost anything. Recently, anytime I have become stressed I automatically go into baking mode and it seems to be the only thing that can relax me!😂


6. "When life gives you lemons....." After having so many setbacks, it can definitely feel that life isn't on your side or that certain things are not meant to be. If you work hard enough, you can find your way around anything.


7. Blogging has definitely opened doors for me- especially when it hits 3,000 views! So many opportunities have come my way, and will hopefully continue to do so in 2019!



8. Even though it may not seem like it at times, everything will get better.

Currently 2019 is going to be one of the most busiest, stressful and difficult years of my life filled with lots of uncertainty and challenges. Thankfully with the support of family, friends and wonderful people in my life I know that things are going to be okay. Here is to 2019- hopefully a year filled with positivity, happiness and health for all, and to the year where my charity work really takes off.💓


Sophie x
SHARE:
© BendyBlogs♿️
Blogger Templates made by pipdig