It has been
around 10 months since I last posted a blog, and for a long time I was adamant
that I never would again. To say this last year was difficult would be an
understatement, and one that I definitely needed time to concentrate and
process.
The last few
months have been the most horrendous and difficult time that I think I will
ever go through. For those that are unaware, on 5th March 2019 at approximately
10AM my beautiful and wonderful mother passed away from cancer at the age of
58. Just 11 days before her birthday, and 20 days before mine. Her cancer
battle was a short, but extremely difficult one.
After becoming unwell towards
the end of 2018, she was diagnosed with cancer just a few days before Christmas
and within 10 weeks she was gone. She had been poorly for a few weeks but was
deteriorating by the day and in my heart, I knew that it would be the last
Christmas we would ever have with her. And It was extremely difficult to put on
a brave face. How could we go from Christmas shopping a few weeks before, to
finding out she had terminal cancer? My whole world had turned upside down.
When Mum was
diagnosed, I found myself thrown into a constant state of worry, exhaustion and
anxiety. My relationship with her had totally changed, while I tried to keep
things as normal as possible, her level of care completely changed, and I found
that our roles had become reversed. After all the years Mum had cared for me, I
found myself becoming the carer along with my father.
Everything
seemed to be happening so quick. By New Years, she was rushed back into
hospital and we very nearly lost her. Thankfully she managed to pull through,
however we knew that we had a long road ahead.
Suddenly, I felt the weight of
the world on my shoulders, and the new responsibilities I now had. This woman
who cared for me during my darkest days, who carried me down the stairs when I
couldn’t walk. The woman who would push me in my wheelchair when I needed to go
out. The woman who would pick me up when I was down. The woman who dried my
tears and told me that everything would always work out, suddenly needed all
that from me. And although I never showed it, it absolutely terrified me. How
would I cope without the woman who has been my rock for the last 22 years of my
life?
Alongside
the stress of caring and dealing with the fact that my mother is terminally
ill, I also had to deal with the normal stresses that come with having EDS,
maintain my university grades and work! I can honestly say that within just a
few short weeks, I found myself totally burnout and drained. And although we
knew Mum was terminally ill, and we never really expected her to go as quick as
she did.
At that time, her battle felt like a lifetime and I found myself
feeling a mixture of emotions- relief that she was no longer in any more pain,
but a profound yearning for her to just give me a hug.
Here I am, 9
months later, and while the grief and emotions aren't as raw as they were, I am
still going through so many emotional experiences that I never thought I would
at this stage. It has taken me until now to be able to fully address the trauma
and upset that has happened over the last few months, as it is surprising how
grief can affect you. I had lost so much confidence and have missed out on so
many opportunities because of my grief. And it has taken until now to realise,
that my mother wouldn’t want this for me. She would want me to be grabbing life
by the hands and embracing every opportunity like I had done before. And I will
do, again.
For
something that is so common as death, there is very little support or
information about the subject of grief. People suddenly expect you to get back
to normal very quickly, to try to move on and repress how you feel as it isn’t
"appropriate". It doesn’t seem right to me that, in 2019, we still have the
attitude that we must "move on" and as such, I definitely plan to do more blog
posts and hopefully some volunteer work to address the stigma of grief and
death.
"No one ever
told me that grief felt so much like fear" C.S Lewis
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